Moar “Hot Danny’s Pickled Onions” – Part 2 of 3
Me:
AI, I was chopping the habeneros and now around my nose is burning quite a bit.
AI:
Oh that is completely normal. Don’t worry about it. It will go away.
Me:
Ok, I will try to ignore it and continue pickling.
AI:
OK, what part are you at?
Me:
Well, I julienned all of the onions and gave them a good stir in the metal bowl with a giant fork I have. I figured that would be good for getting the onions to separate.
AI:
Oh, that is a great pro move, a large fork instead of a spoon, that really is a good idea. Do you have a question.
Me:
Yeah, what is better to add the spices and salt at the very end, and the garlic too does it mater?
AI:
Of course it matters. The best thing to do is this: onions in first, that was a good instinct on your part, then habaneros….
Me:
My nose is really burning now, is there anything I can do?
AI:
Did you use gloves like I told you?
Me:
No.
AI:
<gasp>, Really? I did everything I could do aside from literally writing in all caps, “NO DON’T THAT, IT IS TOO MANY HABENAROS!”. Would you have listened if I did that?
Me:
No. Probably noy. But is there anything I can do, this is really uncomfortable.
AI:
Yes, you can do stuff, but the important thing to do is don’t touch your eyes.
Me:
Ah…
AI:
Did you touch your eyes?
Me:
I had an itch.
AI:
OK do this. Do you have any sour cream in the fridge?
Me:
Um… Polish remember?
AI:
Ok, go grab a gob of it and rub it on you face.
Me:
Really?
AI:
Yes! When it is all over your face then come back and I will tell you want to do next.
Me:
<open fridge, wipe sour cream all over my face so I look like a clown>.
Done. I feel ridiculous.
AI:
Don’t, this is science. Now… Go wash your face really well with a tiny bit of dish soap.
Me:
OK… I will be right back!
<48 minutes later>
Me:
Um… I think I broke my face. I can barley see now, and um ur… I went to the bathroom and now… well lots of parts are burning. My hands especially. It feels like they are on fire and warm water makes it worse.
AI:
Oh, this is great. I want you to grab your phone and take a picture of yourself right now and post it to me so I can see it. I will diagnose what to do next from the picture.
Me:
OK.
<takes picture> posts it to AI.
AI:
Oh that is fabulous! You are glistening like a three year old little boy who is all full of snot!
Me:
Too soon ☹.
AI:
Remember that saying, “what would Jesus do?”, I have one, “what would Jesus say?”. Oh… I know what he would say, he would say you have eyes but can’t see! LOL.
Me:
That… Hmmm… I don’t think that… I don’t know how to respond this is too weird. I feel like you are mocking my pain.
AI:
Ha ha… Who is the butter cup now?
Me:
Oh brother.
AI:
Just soak your hands in milk and all will be fine after a little bit.
Me:
OK… I can at least see now. I think I am too scared to finish. I put the whole bowl in the fridge. I am too afraid to add the oregano now. I feel stupid because I literally have the perfect rubber gloves I bought because I wash my hands a lot when I cook.
…. To be continued.